I am almost entirely devoid of feelings of romantic love and yearning . For most of my life I was a lamb of love and lead to slaughter over and over. I had so many unrequited loves I cannot count them all. Unlike most people I know I have not had a single significant romantic relationship. I have only twice dated long enough to even hold hands in public.
When I once, years ago, lamented the trajectory of my romantic life to a friend he told me something was deeply wrong with me. This was coming from a man who I had seen through more then one tragic relationship and who had also pursued me romantically to no avail. I was deeply offended by his comment not just for me but for others whose love lives were not so storied and deep as they had wished or as society expected of them.
I am not absolving myself of some part in creating the virtual siberia of my love life. I have had no game all these years. I have faltered when there were chances at something grand in all aspects of my life artistic. professional and romantic. I think I have been most successful at being a good friend. Do they write books about that or erect statues to good friends?
How do you measure the worth of a life? What is success? Desire plays an enormous part in our everyday existence and how we perceive our own lives. You must be desired to be considered a success. You must be desired in one or all aspects of your life. Desire is what drives people to the the plastic surgeon and pilates class, the desire for the perfect body, health, "the best life", the desire to be desired. The pain of not being desired drives people to eat themselves sick to satiate that the loneliness and fulfill sensate and sensuous desires. The desire to feel elated and to assuage the pain of life's stresses and failures drives people to drink and get high.
I am not a lamb of love anymore. I am not a lamb at all. Its fine really, there is peace here without yearning. At least for now.
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